The past 3 nights have been INTENSE. They’ve been filled with frustration, crying, screaming, annoyance, anger, guilt, shame, and regret.

We’ve been traveling internationally for the past couple of weeks, first visiting Europe and then hopping over to Asia. I must say the twins have been amazing travelers, especially on the plane.

What we’ve been struggling with the most are the first few nights of transition in a new environment with new sights, smells, and sounds. Then of course you add in the jet-lag and the fact that my husband hadn’t met up with us yet, and it’s just a recipe for disaster.

The first night in a new location, we sleep with the twins, whether that means they sleep in our bed with us or we sleep in their room with them. We explain that it’s a first-night-only thing and that we will return to our own rooms the next day. So the first night has been fine, other than everyone adjusting to jet-lag which means we were all up from like 1am to 5am. But no screaming or crying, so it’s doable.

The following 3 nights in Asia have been filled with my daughter having meltdowns when we put her to bed and in the middle of the night when she wakes up. Like straight-up crying, screaming, and hyperventilating. So we do what we’ve always done since we sleep-trained the twins at 2 months. Wait 5 minutes, go in to soothe, and walk out. If crying continues, we wait 10 minutes, go in to soothe again, and walk out. If crying continues again, we wait 15 minutes, go in to soothe again, and walk out. If crying still continues after that, we wait between 15-30 minutes to go back in, depending on the severity of the situation.

Well, this was going on between 12am to 3am for 2 nights in a row and since I was by myself, I was LOSING it. By the 6th time I went in (this was close to 3am), I was PISSED. I went in hot and yelled at my daughter and told her to STFU and that if she didn’t, I would spank her. I walked out, and she started screaming again, so I charged back in and yelled, “What the F do you want?!” And she told me she wanted me to spank her. I wasn’t sure if she really knew what she was talking about, so I tested her by saying, “Okay, then turn around so I can spank you.”

And she did just that.

Then the most overwhelming senses of guilt and shame ran over me, because all I could think about was,

“Man, I must have REALLY fucked up as a mother if my daughter wants me so badly that she would even want me to spank her if that means she would get time with me.”

So I hugged her tightly and just cried and cried and cried.

I eventually went back to my room (she continued to cry but fell asleep shortly after thank goodness), and just cried into my pillow, with questions swirling around in my head:

“Why can’t I just be okay with the fact that she’s a baby girl who needs her mom?”

“Why do I get so mad and frustrated that she wants me?”

“Shouldn’t I want her to want me?”

“I can’t believe I yelled at her and said those things to her.”

“I am the worst mother.”

Guilt & Shame on repeat.

So I texted my therapist right then and there about everything that had happened and I just appreciated so much that there was not one ounce of judgement. Her response:

“Nobody wants to be needed in the middle of the night!!! It’s ok we’ve all been there. Today is a new day. She won’t remember any of it; just be kind to yourself. Breathe. Forgive yourself; you are a wonderful mom who had a rough moment. It’s ok.”

More tears.

Having someone who’s been there, who completely understands and acknowledges your thoughts and feelings, and tells you that rough moments happen and that it’s okay, was so so comforting and helped remind me to begin the process of forgiving myself, something that I always forget to do.

But I also felt so angry. Angry that I felt the way I did because there aren’t enough moms out there who tell it like it is. Angry because I couldn’t think of anyone off the top of my head who I could reach out to who would completely understand me (other than my amazing therapist). Angry because these major struggles that mothers go through are not discussed in the open. Angry that I was yet again comparing myself to moms who only show the good/sweet/loving side of motherhood, and I was having a hard time believing that I wasn’t the only one having this experience.

Since beginning this blog, there have been several people who have recommended my blog to other moms who are struggling with the things I’ve struggled with. There have been people who share my story and experience with others. Still more have passed along my information for other moms to contact me if needed.

This is an official announcement that if you know anyone who could benefit from reading my blog, hearing my story, or chatting with me, please feel free to give them the necessary information. My name does not need to be hidden. Generally speaking, I am not ashamed of what I have experienced, and my hope is that less and less mothers would feel shameful and alone in what they experience through their touch with me.