Oookay. Let’s talk about what’s been going on in this life of mine. In the past 4 months:

1. We potty-trained the twins shortly after they turned 2 years old.
2. I was in NY for a wedding.
3. My parents and in-laws visited.
4. My husband graduated from grad school in Chicago.
5. My brother graduated from medical school in Ireland.
6. We went on a family trip with the twins for 5 weeks around the world, from Chicago to Ireland to Taiwan to Cali, then back to Chicago.
7. We immediately hosted about 20 people for the following 2 weeks.
8. My husband took a couple of trips to and from DC to find a home.
9. I was in Jersey for a wedding.
10. I packed up the house while my husband got the house ready to sell.
11. We moved to the East Coast (whaaat) last week with the twins.

This past week, one of my priorities aside from unpacking and settling in to our new home, was to find a new gym/personal trainer. Man has that been challenging. If you’ve been reading my blog, you know that one of the people (outside of family) who has made the biggest impact on my life since becoming a Mom, is my trainer. (If you haven’t and want to read about it, click here.)

I went to visit 2 gyms this week and had 2 consultations with different personal trainers, trying to figure out what would be a good fit for me, and basically long story short, I ended up sitting in my car crying because I just felt so lost. I felt like I didn’t know what I was doing and didn’t really know what I was looking for. And then I felt silly for sitting in my car and crying about not finding a place to work out.

Later that day, I realized that this was such an emotionally-charged thing for me because of the postpartum condition I was in when I first met my trainer, and the journey that transpired from slowly building a trusting relationship with him over the years of physical therapy and strength training. My active lifestyle in the present wasn’t just about working out to work out, but it had been built upon a relationship that grew from me being in one of the most vulnerable states of my life to me becoming the happiest and strongest I’ve ever been since becoming a Mom. I attribute all of that to the help and guidance of my trainer, and I didn’t and still don’t know how I will ever find a replacement for him here.

Another one of my priorities this week was to train our new nanny, but 3 days in she told me she didn’t know if she would be able to handle twin toddlers. We are still working through it, but man, that was very hard to hear. So now we are reconsidering preschool earlier than we expected, which is fine, but my perfectionist planning brain is all out of whack because nothing is settled. Following that is also a new load of Mom guilt, condemning myself for not being able to just be happy with being a stay-at-home Mom and worrying about regretting the times that I don’t spend with my twins.

On top of these outward situations that need to be taken care of that are already taking an emotional and mental toll on me, there have been some other things that have been weighing on me internally for several weeks, and finding out that someone I knew committed suicide last week basically wrecked me. Literally every single day, I feel like I’m about to burst into tears at any moment. Everything is a trigger and I can’t remember the last time I was this emotionally unstable.

So that’s life lately. I’m a little depressed, a little sad, a little anxious, a little stressed, and a little tired, but also generally happy and cautiously optimistic with where we are in life. I saw a post the other day about checking on your strong friends and it struck a chord with me. I’m that strong friend. I might look like I always have it together, but I most certainly don’t.