A couple of weeks ago, we had an awful day. I was alone with the twins all day and nobody was listening, following directions, nor obeying. Everything I was saying was falling on deaf ears, and it’s interesting, but as a teacher, you differentiate/modify/adjust instruction based on your student response or lack thereof, yet I didn’t think to do that with my own kids at that time.

I had this grand plan of taking them somewhere fun in the morning since we were going to stay in during the afternoon due to rain. All I wanted was for them to put all their crap away before we left, but by the end of the day, I just really wanted to throw them both out the window. We never got close to leaving the house.

So we had an awful day. Indoors. All. Day. Twin toddlers. Indoors. All. Day.

Then they went to bed and I felt guilty and shameful for everything I did that day:

“How can I tell them not to hit each other when they get spanked for certain things?”

“How can I tell them not to use certain words while they’re angry when I use those same words?”

“How can I tell them not to push each other when I push them when they’re being obnoxious or when I push one away to protect the other?”

“How can I tell them not to yell when that’s what I do when I’m fed up?”

All these insecure thoughts were swirling in my head.

I spoke to my husband about our day and he mentioned that my perfectionism hindered us from having a great day. I needed to learn to LET GO. I needed to learn to be okay with the imperfect. I needed to learn to weigh the options, pick the battles, and make the best decision for everyone involved even if it goes against my expectations (like take the twins out to have fun even if they didn’t clean up their crap) if that meant we would have a great day. What. My brain does not compute. Haha

The next morning rolled around and they were being so whiny. I. HATE. WHINING. It makes me want to cut my ears off. It is a major trigger for me.

So immediately I was like, THANK GOD I AM LEAVING YOU GUYS AT PRESCHOOL TODAY.

Breakfast went smoothly, thank goodness. They cheered up and were happy to go to school. We got to the school, put their stuff in their cubby, I took them to go pee, and got ready to leave.

Double meltdowns.

I’ve been told that the best thing to do is to make departures short and sweet. So I gave them hugs, did our usual secret handshake that includes high fives, fist bumps, pinky swears, etc., and walked out with them screaming and crying for me.

Then I got in my car and felt incredibly torn.

How am I supposed to feel, with having a day where I absolutely cannot stand them and am SO looking forward to leaving them at preschool, yet leave them at preschool with them screaming, and wanting to be there for them but at the same time realizing that I can’t and don’t want to but also want to all at the same time?

Does that even make sense?

Motherhood is freaking twisted. There is so much emotional manipulation. We have days where we are seemingly yelling all day and counting the minutes until we get to put them to bed, and then when they’re in bed, we scroll through our phone and stare at the photos and videos taken of them that day with admiration. We might even miss them a little. Those little humans who were just being little devils a few hours ago, we miss them and love them until our hearts ache. What is this nonsense!

At the end of the day, I’m learning to step back and look at the bigger picture in our family life. Sometimes, I’ll have to adjust my expectations for the sake of everyone’s happiness. Sometimes, I’ll have to walk away from my kids even if they need/want me for the sake of my sanity. And sometimes, I’ll just have to take a deep breath, grit my teeth, call on Jesus, and do the best I can raising these little humans who should but do not come with a user manual.