In response to my previous blogpost, I received quite a few encouraging and helpful tips that my husband and I would like to remember and practice as we continue to make our marriage a priority this year.

1) Go to bed at the same time as much as possible.

Someone shared with me that going to bed at the same time makes a huge difference in your marriage and I completely understand why. I remember our first 4 years of marriage pre-twins where we would go to bed at the same time whenever I wasn’t away on business trips. I remember the heartfelt conversations we would have as we drifted off to sleep. I remember the level of comfort, connection, and closeness during that time.

I realize that with my husband still in graduate school, the number of nights we are able to go to bed at the same time is extremely limited, since I’m usually in bed by 11 but he still needs to stay up to do homework. So in the meantime, we will set aside other times to spend together and make a conscious effort to have some one-on-one time before I go to bed first.

2) Plan ahead to spend time together.

Life is busy. Having twins makes life even busier. Gone are the days where we can be spontaneous and go anywhere we want whenever we want. Without purposeful planning, the days and weeks fly by and all of a sudden months have passed and we discover we haven’t spent much quality time together, leading to roommate status.

At the end of every month, we are hoping to map out our date-nights for the following month and plan for babysitting arrangements in advance. Without doing this, date-nights literally never happen, especially since we can’t just drop off the twins with family.

3) Remember our respective Love Languages.

A few years after we got married, I heard about the 5 Love Languages so my husband and I both took the quiz. Turns out we were quite different, my love language being Acts of Service and his being Physical Touch. Knowing each other’s love language was so helpful in our caring for each other before we had kids, but I think it’s become even more integral after having kids, since time and energy become much more limited.

Based on my love language, my husband knows I could care less about receiving gifts but would much rather have him help around the house. He on the other hand, needs a hug, kiss, or touch to feel loved on a day-to-day basis. Knowing and practicing this is essential so neither of us are wasting our limited time and energy doing things that aren’t as meaningful to the other person.

4) Communicate. And then communicate some more.

We used to be the best communicators, until we had twins and I was hit with prenatal depression, postpartum anxiety, sleep deprivation, frustration, and exhaustion. I realized that not only did my communication skills deteriorate over time, the more I didn’t feel like talking to my husband, those were the moments where I really needed to.

I need to open up more. I need to talk about schedules, expectations, needs, priorities, annoyances, frustrations, proud moments, upsetting moments, etc.. There are so many more moving parts when kids get thrown into the mix; talking it out more will help both my husband and I better understand each other’s personal situation.

5) LET GO. Be gracious and forgiving.

This reminder is here because it is the hardest for me, since I’m an organized perfectionist and my way is the best way. I need to learn to let go. Things do not need to be done my way; I should be happy and grateful that they’re getting done at all. Perhaps there is a better way of doing something, but does it have to be done that way? No. Let. Go.

I set very high expectations for myself but it’s not fair for me to set the same high expectations for others. I need the constant reminder that my husband and I are both going through changes and are finding our new normal. It may never feel nor be the same as before we had kids, but that’s okay. We need to be gracious to each other as we each find our way and figure out our new roles as parents and what that means for us as a couple and as individuals.

The 5 items listed above are the main tips my husband and I would like to focus on for now, as we move forward with our marriage this year. With that said, I’m sure there are plenty of other helpful pieces of advice to which we also warmly welcome!