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Married Life Post Twins

January 25, 2019

I used to be an elementary school teacher and ed-tech consultant; now I'm a mom of twins and aspiring children's book author.

This blog is a place for me to write about personal life experiences, gleanings from books I've recently read, past and current DIY projects, and reflective thoughts that need a home outside my heart. Here at HeartEyes, I am opening my heart and eyes to yet another new chapter of my life, and my hope is that by joining me here, your heart and eyes would be opened to a more thoughtful and intentional life.

Hi, i'm tiff!

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A few months ago, my husband and I were sitting in a restaurant with a close friend, catching up over dinner. He asked us how having kids had affected our marriage, and I was not prepared for what was about to follow.

My husband opened up about the general tediousness of raising twins which is exhausting in and of itself, but piled on top of that was his being in graduate school full-time while trying to juggle student-life, parent-life, and marriage-life all at the same time.

He described the emotional strain he felt when coming home because he didn’t know what kind of mood I would be in since it was dependent on how the twins behaved that day.

He explained the weight on his shoulders from seeing me so miserable as a new mother, especially in contrast to how I used to be as an independent working woman.

He expressed his feelings of sadness and helplessness because he didn’t know how to make me feel better in the situation I was in.

Nothing had prepared us for the way having kids would affect me, and thus nothing had prepared my husband for dealing with his happy successful wife becoming a mother with postpartum anxiety and depression.

As he expressed his feelings to our friend, tears streamed relentlessly down my face because while I knew he was going through a lot, I had no idea how deeply my condition was affecting him as well. This was all news to me and the last thing I wanted to be was an extra weight on his shoulders; I certainly didn’t want to be a factor of any negative or difficult feelings he was having.

Since the restaurant was pretty dark, neither my husband nor our friend saw me crying, so I kept this to myself but was seriously affected by and depressed about it for several days.

A few days later, my husband asked how I was doing and I didn’t want to talk about it then since he had schoolwork to do, but I had been bottling it up and it was definitely bubbling to the surface. Between uncontrollable sobs and gasps for air, I expressed my sorrow for unintentionally contributing to his stress.

I had a therapy session scheduled for a few days later so I asked my husband if he would be open to going with me, and he happily said yes.

Opening all of this to my therapist was so needed, not necessarily because we absolutely had to have her there, but because it was scheduled time away from home that was set aside to talk about us. We both opened up about our feelings about parenthood, and quickly realized that it had been such a long time since we spent quality time together just talking to each other.

My therapist first told me that it was unrealistic for me to not want to be a factor of any negative feelings or stress my husband may have, and that I was being too hard on myself, again.

She then told us we really needed to do whatever it took to schedule date nights again because it was imperative to our marriage, to which we both agreed. But it had been so long since we had a date night that one of our questions to her was, “What are we going to talk about on our date?”

Unbelievable. I never thought our marriage would get to this point.

As we moved forward with the general day-to-day busyness of life, I realized that maintaining a marriage after having kids was so much harder than maintaining a marriage without kids.

Throw having twins, full-time schooling, living far away from family, and postpartum issues in the mix, and it feels damn-near impossible.

Everyone alway talks about how having kids completely changes your life, but they just leave it at that. I wish people would be more open and honest about the details so others can not only be more mentally prepared for what’s about to come, but maybe even mentored and coached throughout the process.

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  1. Sally says:

    I’m so happy you guys love each other and care for each other. I know you guys will find things to talk about or spend the time just being with each other in silence (that’s nice too). Thank you for sharing Tiff!!!! ❤️❤️❤️

  2. Noel says:

    Everytime you write Tiffany, I feel like God is speaking to me through you. Thank you for being so open and honest with your thoughts. I know things will get better for you and your husband as the twins get older.
    It’s hard now, but time is on your side. Please keep writing, you are so incredibly inspiring!

    • Tiffany Chan says:

      Thank you, Noel. It’s a great encouragement to know that time is on my side. I think I am impatient and want things to be perfect instantly, but a lot has changed so it will definitely take time to get used it all!

  3. Margie says:

    Hey Tiffany, I just want you to know that you being open about your experiences has really helped me. I had a lot of major life changes in the last year and a half and it’s been really tough adjusting, especially being so far from friends and family. It’s not quite raising twins 😉 but it has still required a lot of adjustments! Thanks for sharing! 🙂

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Pondering thoughts, personal life experiences, things I love, mental health, marriage life, and everything in between.



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Everything from my birth story to postpartum anxiety and depression, from c-section recovery to mom guilt and judgment. Prepare for raw and emotional posts!


Books + Podcasts

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Gleanings from books I've read and podcasts I've been impressed with, with the occasional children's book recommendations!


DIY Projects

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DIY project tutorials from six years of projects in my home! Very much a work in progress, migrating tutorials from my Instagram page to my blog!


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