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Why are people so judgmental?!

November 7, 2018

I used to be an elementary school teacher and ed-tech consultant; now I'm a mom of twins and aspiring children's book author.

This blog is a place for me to write about personal life experiences, gleanings from books I've recently read, past and current DIY projects, and reflective thoughts that need a home outside my heart. Here at HeartEyes, I am opening my heart and eyes to yet another new chapter of my life, and my hope is that by joining me here, your heart and eyes would be opened to a more thoughtful and intentional life.

Hi, i'm tiff!

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My twins are 1.5 years old. They eat snacks between meals. Their snacks consist of homemade fruit/veggie smoothies, whole wheat crackers, brown rice cakes, pretzels, cheese crackers, and fruit, not that it’s anyone’s business.

A few weeks ago, I caught wind of a mom-friend arguing with someone and judging me for the snacks I was giving my twins because they were “unhealthy.”

HAHAH, what?! This should have been more comical to me than it was, but I was caught off-guard and it made me mad. Like 3 days mad.

I mean, who argues about the healthiness of brown rice snacks?! And why the judgment rather than a compassionate conversation regarding other “healthy” snack options? And honestly, who cares what I’m feeding my children? I’m not feeding yours.

Upon reflecting on this incident after it took me 3 days to cool down, I realized that judgment is so incredibly rampant and basically inescapable in this world:

– It starts early in elementary school when kids make fun of you for what you wear and what you bring for lunch.

– It continues in middle/high school when teenagers tell you you’re not cool for not having a boyfriend/girlfriend or for being too fat or too skinny.

– It progresses into college/grad school when people call you crazy or boring because you do or don’t drink/party/do drugs.

– It advances into the professional world when people judge you for how much you make/don’t make and what opportunities you do or don’t have.

But wait! It doesn’t end there.

– In dating/marriage life, people judge you for who you’re with or how many people you’ve been with.

– And then in pregnancy and parenthood, my goodness, there is so much more to judge!

  1. natural vs. cesarean births
  2. breastfeeding vs. formula-feeding
  3. sleep-training vs. co-sleeping
  4. which foods you feed your kids
  5. which activities you do with your kids
  6. which school your kids attend
  7. whether or not your kids have screen-time
  8. whether or not you have a nanny
  9. whether or not you work

The. list. goes. on. and. never. ends.

PEOPLE! Can we just mind our own business and not worry about what other people are doing in their lives? Can we just be supportive of one another regardless of what we are all going through? Can we just believe that we are all doing the best we can with the various situations we are in?

In my experience, unfortunately, the answer to the questions above have mostly been a resounding “no,” with us women often being the worst offenders. What is it about us females that causes us to so easily put others down? Why must we be so catty, defensive, backstabbing, and judgmental?

The answer? Insecurity.

What many people don’t realize is that when we judge others, it actually reveals more about ourselves than anyone else. Not only does judging others make us look like ugly, merciless human beings, it reveals that there is actually something within that we are insecure about, and in an attempt to mask that insecurity and to feel better about ourselves, we lash out on others.

Honestly, nothing has made me feel more insecure than becoming a mother. Just about every decision (and there are so many decisions every single day) comes with the looming question of whether or not it’s the right/best thing to do.

You would think that with all the insecurities of motherhood as common ground, us moms would be more gracious, forgiving, and compassionate toward one another.

Yet, we are not.

But realizing and experiencing all of this has caused me to practice putting on a different lens when I catch myself judging others or when I am upset from being judged. With the former, I try to step back and reflect on a particular insecurity or weakness that could be linked to my judgment of others. With the latter, I’m learning to be more forgiving and cognizant of the fact that others are struggling with something as well.

Am I perfect? Definitely not.

Do I fail? Absolutely.

But does practicing this make me a less insecure and judgmental, more compassionate and happy person? You better believe it.

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  1. Dan says:

    Shoot, I thought she was going to be judging you for making their snacks too healthy… maybe I should re-evaluate my snack choices…

  2. Hannah dewey says:

    EXCUSE ME???! HOW, WHAT, HUH??? Crazy people. Those snacks sound both delicious AND healthy. In fact, I took your brown rice cakes idea and now Adam’s LOVES them. So thanks!

  3. Oh my gosh. Yesssss to all of this. I thought I was judged before I became a mother HAHA. People were constantly asking me if I was breastfeeding my twins, did I have C section or whatever else.

    I also love the advice you never asked for…

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Everything from my birth story to postpartum anxiety and depression, from c-section recovery to mom guilt and judgment. Prepare for raw and emotional posts!


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