Some women dream of being mothers, and once they are, they cannot remember life without their little bundle of joy.

–  I remember life without my kids all. the. time.

Some women are so much happier once they have kids.

–  I was so much happier before I had kids.

Some women curse at their kids when they’re angry and get judged for it.

–  I used to judge those women, but I have become one of them.

So why did I have kids? Because I was worried I would regret it later if I didn’t have any. Lose-lose situation. HA!

Don’t get me wrong, I love my twins, but my love is SUPER conditional. I only love them when they are not crying/screaming/being difficult. When they do any of the aforementioned, my love immediately dissipates and turns into hate.

So much so that it’s made me want to crash the car I was driving with them screaming in the back. So much so that it’s made me want to punch them in the face. So much so that it’s made me want to wither up and die.

Having experienced this anger for the past year and 3-4 months since they were born, and especially having experienced the above 3 incidents within the span of 2 weeks, I realized I needed professional help to get me through whatever I was going through.

So I went and saw a therapist…

…and it was one of the best things I’ve done for myself in the past 2 years.

To date, I have been to 2 therapy sessions, my first being 2 weeks ago. Through conversations with my therapist and many years of consideration, this blog has been born.

It will be an outlet for all the thoughts, feelings, and considerations I have had and will have regarding my current life situation, pregnancy and motherhood in general (especially the topics nobody talks about), as well as the highly-requested instructions for all my recent and past DIY projects.

Life for me changed for the worst the moment I found out I was having twins. This is my journey back to loving life.